Losing Sleep.. A Conversation Between Father & Son

 

Father .. Father why can't I go out and play there while other boys can

Father... Father Son, he tells me you will know when you are a man.

Father... Father … one of the boys who went out to play there, has hurt his knee,

Son, that could have been you, the place wasn’t safe enough you see.

Father... Father … Every boy has a shiny new toy, I want it too,

Son, here you go, here is something different for you.

Father... Father … everyone is bored of their toys, they want something unique.. unique like the toy you bought for me.

Son, which is what I was trying to tell you, that is what you could not see.

Father... Father … everyone in school makes fun of that boy, why can’t I do it too,

Son, making fun of someone’s weakness is not what I would expect from you.

Father... Father … today was the last day of school, that boy came up to me and said, and hey for all these years; thanks for sticking with me.

Son, this is the reward you get for treating a person for not what he is but what he can be.

Father... … college is cool, like everyone around me I get the urge to light up a cigarette, or smoke some weed.

Son, you do not belong there, that is not your creed.

Father … the boy who smoked the weed, lies in the hospital, battling for his life and not much the doctors can do.

Son, think about it, it could have been you.

Father... … the pressure of studies is too much, I think I am better off making it on my own, these classes are not meant for me.

Son, finishing your education is a must, for sweets the fruits of education are, however bitter the roots may be.

Father … why should I hold the door open for a woman, you know their talks about gender equality.

Son, the best gift a man can give to a woman is his chivalry.

Father… I held the door open for her and she said I don’t see this kind of respect in your generation today.

Son, don’t comments like these make your heart swell with pride, and make your day.

Father … I have fallen in love, but why would someone love me when neither my pockets are full nor I have charming looks to go.

Son, you don’t need these things, don’t pretend, and let the real you show.

Father … she loves me back, and always thought that she wasn’t pretty enough for me.

Son.. love is simple, complicated is what we make it out to be.

Father… she doesn’t want to meet, asks to be left alone, after so much I did for her how can she do this to me.

Son, let her be, set her free. If she comes back, then she is yours to keep. Else she was never meant to be.

Father.… she came back, and thanked me for understanding.., as she was at a phase trying to understand how my future along with her was meant to be.

Son, this is what I thought as well, sometimes the best gift a man can gift a woman is his understanding, not some precious stone or jewelry.

Father… corruption is all around. Even I need to pay a bribe to get my work done within a day.

Son, you need to be an honest man, not just today, tomorrow but every day.

Father… the man standing next to me in the line was caught paying a bribe and now is in the jail.

Son, our sins catch up with us eventually maybe not today, or tomorrow but one day for sure without fail.

Father… corporate life is complicated. People ready to crush and, step all over you, and trying to destroy the honest soul that lies inside of me

Son, keep your chin up, and maintaining your ideals, is your duty. To be true to one’s own soul

is what a soul strives to be.

Father… the credit is yours, the boss and I spoke, calling me a man of integrity, a man apart from the crowd, then he asked if I would like to lead.

Son, all this is your own doing. I am just a farmer who planted the seed.

Father… everything you taught me in life, is beginning to make sense, and today I can aspire to fly as high as I can.

Son, this is great! This is the most wonderful time of my life when my son is growing up to be a man.

Father… touching his feet with gratitude, thanks for everything. Today I am the man, the man I would have always wanted to be.

Son, don’t thank me, I am always right here anytime you want to talk to me.

Father... Father today when my son asks why can't I go out and play there while other boys can

Looking at my father smile from the heavenly clouds above I smile back as I tell my son... son you will know when you are a man.

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Losing Sleep.. A Quest To Understand Life

After my last few experiences I have come to believe that our dreams are our guides or mentors from another dimension. It is a gift from the cosmos that we often end up neglecting.

In discussions and talks with near and dear ones I was alwayd pointed out to be rigid in accepting that things change.

Nothing could prepare me for what was to come.

For the past quite a few months I didn't get a dream which could be trying to mentor me. I would often wonder had I lost the gift.

So the night before I went to bed thinking about the present, past, and the yet to come future.

I am in Agra at my Nani’s (maternal grandmother) house yet again. I am standing near her room. Suddenly I realize the house is on fire. 

Everything around is burning... Yet it is so calm..

Confused I ask Veena ( my wife) "Where is Aavanya (our daughter)". "She's gone upstairs to play with her cousin," she says, "why don't you quickly go get them down"

I rush upstairs. Aavanya is playing calmly with her toys when I ask her where is your brother... " He went with his mom... Papa " replying as a matter of fact with all the seriousness of a 5-year-old.

Everything around is burning... Yet it is so calm..

I pick her up and rush down. "Both of you get out of the house and be safe" I tell my wife. "I will go gather our belongings" .. I see her rushing outside the house. 

She is now in a safe place. I can't see her but something inside tells me she is fine. 

I am still trapped inside the house.

Everything around is burning... Yet it is so calm..

All alone in the house I rush to pack our belongings and now the fire begins to slowly circle around me.

Its intensity is increasing and now all around me is the fire

Everything around is burning... Yet it is so calm..

I am engulfed in the flames... I get up from my sleep

I am still very calm… Though still not clear what the dream was trying to tell me... 

A bit disheveled I start searching for answers and find out my answers in a web site that tells me "..a symbol for those who are still stuck in past.. ultimately the habit which is not harmful to occasionally engage in.. But too much of remaining in past .. could not only destroy the present .. but spoil the future... as well. "

A symbol of which was me engulfed in flames

I have got my answer... But I am not satisfied.

To those of you reading this... What's your take on this... If the past is beautiful what's wrong in cherishing the memory and wanting it to be a part of it forever. Does it really destroy our present and future? 

Do we learn something from here... Or wait and find out with time...?

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Losing Sleep.. A Quest To Understand Death

After my last post I was constantly consumed with the thought and concept of Death.

While I have accepted the fact that it is a destination to which we all are headed at our own individual speed.Others may travel with us but the last leg of the journey we need to make it alone.

No one has completed the journey and come back to tell us the tale about it.

So how do we begin to understand death?

I had no answer nothing could help me understand it. But, I have also learned the fact that the very longing we seek is always found inside us and not outside.

I am sitting by the sea on a serene beach, with the wind kissing my face like the love of my life, whose presence I can feel but she is not here with me

It's a beautiful sunny day. Besides me is Papa (My Father) along with my mother. "So, what have you been doing with your life" Papa asks me. "Doing good.."I tell him with a sense of pride ".. bought a house in Vasai Nallasopara". To which he asks, "Why did you go so far..." I smile and reply "Just like you Papa.. remember that's what people told you when you were buying a house in Borivali" He nods positively and again asks me, "What else have you been doing" "I bought a Car... Maruti one.. Just like you. I remember when you were there.. you would always talk about Maruti Cars"

"When I was there... Hmmm" he says and then suddenly he fades away with the breeze

I wake up and realize that it was a dream all along but I am now smiling because the answer to my question has been revealed to me.

I now truly believe that people never die, even when they are away from us physically, they just transcend to another level. A level where you and I cannot travel. They are around us radiating the positive energy which they did when they were physically next to us. That is why sometimes when we talk of guardian angel or GOD watching over us its actually our loved ones who are watching and protecting us. So what is death? Death in my learning is when we talk of them as gone away from us, the soul feels its no longer needed and surrenders to the creator and is ready to go to the next level ... which could be whatever you like.. heaven, salvation.

Probably come back to us in another form called reincarnation Sometimes when we see the same nature in our descendants... I get that feeling..  Don't you feel so too..

Can miles truly separate you from friends... If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there?

Ciao.... Never say Never

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Losing Sleep.. A Travel With No Regrets

I am traveling on a train headed to a destination I know nothing of. I am accompanied in my journey by my wife and my little one.

As the train slowly pulls to stop towards a station, Unknown but there is something familiar about it.

Suddenly I notice Papa (My Father) sitting on one of the benches with my mother. I am so happy to see him. I wave to him "Papa Idhar Aao" (Papa Come Here) just like my daughter calls me. I want him to come meet my family.. my wife.. my daughter.. his bahu (daughter in law) and poti (granddaughter). But he doesn't seem to be listening. 

I want to get down but with my daughter sitting beside me. I can't seem to get up. 

I wave to my mother as well trying to get her attention. But she doesn't realize it.

Suddenly my father turns his head, and looks towards us and gives a big smile which he always did and waves to me. I smile back and he begins to turn his head back again to whatever he was doing. 

I can now see the older form of him with wrinkles and dark circles under his eyes and realize that I will never see him again.

I decide to get off the train, suddenly everything begins to fade to black and I wake up.

I wake up crying, not able to understand what the dream meant and my wife tries to console me but no avail. Somehow, I console myself and arrive at work

Towards the evening, I suddenly realize what the dream was probably trying to tell me. 

Maybe the station was symbolic of life. My father had completed his journey of life. So he was sitting relaxed at the station. I traveling in a train approaching the station was maybe my journey in still in progress and I had to go further. 

I could not get off at the station,  I could not abruptly end my journey. I had responsibilities to take care of, which manifested itself in form of my daughter sitting beside me.

Still, I will miss you all my life, Papa !! Ciao .. till we meet again. May the force be with you.

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Losing Sleep.. In A Waking Dream

I feel her looking at me. Half smiling at me. I am in Agra at my Nani’s (maternal grandmother) house. I am facing the room on the floor directly above her room.

I can feel her presence. 

I ask Mamaji (Maternal Uncle) who is sitting on the floor outside the room …  “So why can't I marry her?”.  Receiving no response I ask again. Now I feel another presence. It's a man who seems to be her father but can't see him either. 

I look around and see Rupal my cousin. Many more people are present on the floor, familiar for some  odd reason. But can't seem to recall having met them in real life. I repeat myself, but still no response

I wake up... I feel a bit restless and in an unknown time drift back to sleep. 

Back in the same place again, this time I can see her face smiling at me. She seems to be almost as tall me.  Hair slightly open can't clearly make out.  Same set of people around me

I ask again a little bit of desperation, “Will someone tell me why can't I marry her?” Rupal is now looking at me with a very neutral expression.  But I feel she knows the girl. 

I wake up... I feel a bit restless and in an unknown time drift back to sleep. 

Back in the same place. I can now see her more clearly. I know that she is wearing a Saree. But can see only her shoulder she is wearing a dark greenish blue color blouse

I repeat myself “Why is someone not telling me to why cant I marry her?”. Everyone is looking at me again with a neutral expression. No emotion good bad or ugly

I wake up.. I feel a bit more restless and in an unknown time drift back to sleep.

Back in the same place .. I find myself asking yet again “Why cant  I marry her... this time  the man whose presence I felt as her father comes in vision.

He is an average height man who has gray/white hair. He seems familiar but have never seen him in real life. Height wise about slightly shorter then me. Thin mustache. Slightly stout. Average build, no glasses. 

Gets up and tells me  "Beta tum isse shaadi nahi kar sakte" (Son you can’t marry her) I respond "Lekin shaadi karoonga to main aapki beti se.."(But I will marry her)

I wake up.. I feel a bit more restless and in an unknown time drift back to sleep.

  Back again this time I know but a different room with three racks one on each side on the breadth of the  room. One in the center I am leaning my back against the one in center. With my arms around her. I can see her as clear as a sunny day.

She is wearing a dark greenish blue or blueish green as you like it short sleeve blouse. With a dark green color sari, she is wearing a thin gold necklace and is smiling in a way that it just takes your breath away... She has an oval face dark brown color eyes. Clear complexion. Hair untied, wavy straight hair. Length 3 inches below shoulder length. Small Cute nose. Not thin but not fat at all.

I find myself wanting to kiss her.

When she giggles and says... "Toh janab mere se hi shaadi karenge" (So, Sir will marry me alone and no one else) I respond lovingly "Haanji... karni to aap se hi hai shaadi" (Yes Mam.. its only you who I wish to marry)

I wake up. This time I am too restless to sleep at all. I get off the bed pace in the room for about what seems like an hour before getting back to bed.

Now just before I get up I see all this again with quick intervals basically each scene with some gap. Then I am wide awake. The memory of complete sequence clear in mind as a movie just seen.

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